Lonely this Christmas
by detective-smartypants
Summary: Callie's first christmas with the fosters after her non-adoption has her feeling a little isolated. OneShot


**Because it's officially the christmas holiday, I'm lacking motivation for SYH and I'm listening to (sad) christmas music and, well, sometimes these one shots just happen. **

**The inspiration for this story has been looming in the back of my mind for a good while now, it's just something that's been bothering me and I've been trying to find the best way to write it down and, well, christmas is definitely the answer. I think that there has been a lack of Callie/Lena for a long time now and, when they do have scenes, they're never emotional or necessarily hugely heartwarming and it just irks me a little because in the pilot I _loved _them. So I'm swaying away from my typical focus on Callie/Stef and spending some time on Callie/Lena. It's just a little drabble, not much more than a nice little moment, but somehow those are my favourite to write. **

**Also, Merry Christmas!**

* * *

><p><em>Try to imagine a house that's not a home <em>

_try to imagine a christmas all alone _

_That's where I'll be, since you left me _

_my tears could melt the snow _

_What can I do without you? _

_I got no place, no place to go_

* * *

><p><em>December 24th <em>

It's the time of year where the loss seems to hit her the most. Every single year without her mother seems to feel like that first christmas after she died, back when it was her and Jude against the world. An unstoppable force. The Dynamic Duo. It's this time of year when they always seem to hold each other a little closer, they always seem to say her name a little less because they both know just how much it hurts.

And she's sure she's overthinking it, but this year just feels a little different. A little more like she has do deal with the annual mom-missing on her own. She's happy to see him so perky, she's happy to see him enjoying christmas again; it's really all she's ever wanted for him. But it just feels a little wrong that he's there and she's...well she's still here.

Stef reminds her almost daily that the paper doesn't make a difference and, every single time, Callie agrees with her just to make the older woman happy. It's just a piece of paper, it's just a stupid piece of paper. But it seems to have drawn a line straight down the middle of her life. And now it's christmas, now it's the most _wonderful _time of the year. And she just feels so damn stuck.

No matter how often she tries to remind herself of the speech Rita gave to her, no matter how many times she tells herself that what she said was out of honesty and not pity – the feeling still resonates. She's an unlucky person. Nothing ever goes right, nothing ever goes well.

And so here she is, christmas eve, hanging up little decade old ornaments that each have their own story on the tree in the living room with her could-have-been siblings and someday-somehow mothers and everyone is just fitting so seamlessly together and it's really the first time that she's noticed it: Jude is a Foster. Jude will always be a Foster. Jude was always supposed to be a Foster.

And Callie is still just Callie Jacob, and it just makes her sad.

She takes a seat on the sofa and watches silently as everyone does their thing and it just seems to make the ache in her chest a little more.

It's honestly the first real time she's felt out of place in the Fosters house.

She just wants the same christmas she's always had.

And she just really misses her mom.

She watches Lena hit play on the stereo and the sound of christmas music fill the room, and it seems to just push her over the edge so she quietly leaves the room and makes her way out to the back yard.

There's something about the air in the winter that is much more refreshing than the hotter months, its less dense and less muggy and the cold nips at Callie's face but she decides that it's exactly what she needs as she sits down with her back pressed against the tree.

She closes her eyes and tries not to think about the family inside, but the second her eyes are closed flashes of her old christmas memories seem to cross the back of her eyelids and it just makes her feel a little more uneasy.

She can hear her past self in the back of her head.

_Mama! Mama! Santa has been, Santa ate all his cookies up! _

She shakes it away and takes a few calming breaths. It's christmas eve, she thinks to herself, it's christmas eve and there is a family in there that love you and that want you.

A piece of paper wont make any difference.

It _wont. _

"Whatcha thinking about slug-a-bug?"

She looks up to find Lena hovering beside her, arms crossed and a soft smile on her face. "Mind if I sit?"

Callie nods gently and looks back out at the yard. "Go ahead, it's your yard."

"_ours_." Lena mumbles.

"Hmm?"

"Ours," She repeats. "It's our yard. Everyone's yard."

They sit in silence for a few beats, Callie thinking about the paper and the distance and her mother, Lena thinking about ways to talk to the young girl.

"Callie," Lena starts quietly. "I..."

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

Callie sighs and runs her hand through her hair. "Don't do that thing...that thing where you ask me what's going on and then I tell you nothing but you pry it out of me and tell me everything is gonna be okay. Just _please _don't."

Lena nods and moves closer so that their shoulders are touching and, although she wants to know what's going on, although she really wants to just shake the girls shoulders and get it out of her, she figures that maybe the best thing to do is just talk. Even if it's not about this. Whatever _this _is.

"You know what my favourite thing about christmas is?"

Callie shrugs. "What?"

"It's like everything gets washed away. Everyone just seems to be that little bit closer, all the drama that normally happens seems to just stop. I love that, I love just having the family here...having _you guys _here."

"mmm," Callie sighs and nods her head. "Yeah. Must be nice."

She'd never admit it, not even to Stef, but Lena often finds it difficult to communicate with Callie in the same way that Stef does so easily. She Envy's it, really, the way they go so well together – the way it seems as though they've always been mother and daughter. And sure, she has that same connection with Jude but her mind always seems to go back to that first night with Callie, when she was reserved and scared and so close to opening up to just Lena.

It's not that she doesn't feel a connection with Callie, it's not that she doesn't feel as though this is her daughter. It's just that it always feels like there might be something missing, like maybe she needs to try a little harder. And that's why she'd come out here in the first place because Stef was ready to do it, and she'd shook her head and walked out instead.

Because she feels as though she misses a lot of these moments with Callie. Sometimes she worries that she _causes _them.

"You know, when you have a kid it's the oddest thing ever," She starts, looking down at Callie. "I've never actually given birth, but to me it doesn't make a difference how it happens. When you become a mother, you are suddenly aware that, until that moment, there had been a massive gap in your life. Like you've waited your entire life without knowing it."

Callie doesn't seem to react to her words, not outwardly anyway. But her silence seems to be a way of asking Lena to continue.

"When I met Stef and became part of Brandons life, everything changed. It was all making fish fingers and watching spongebob and running him to school when Stef was working and...it was just the way I wanted it to be. And then Mariana and Jesus came along and, for the longest time, it just felt complete...you know? I never realised that I needed anything else...I never asked for anything else."

Callie looks up for a moment, and Lena doesn't say a word about the tears brimming in her eyes.

"And then I met you."

She reaches out and brings her daughter closer, wrapping her arm around her shoulder.

"That day I met you and we took you into our home I just felt so...I dont know how to explain it. I just suddenly wanted to give you everything that I could. A home, A family. I know that I made it out like it could only be temporary and, Callie, If I could take back ever having said that I would. But I knew the moment I met you, and then the moment I met Jude, that I'd been waiting my whole life. That you were supposed to be my kids."

"But you only got him."

It's only a sniffle, a mumble. Lena wonders if it was even supposed to be heard, but she pulls away regardless and looks down into the young girls watery eyes.

"What do you mean?"

Callie sighs. "You only got Jude. You'll only ever have Jude. I know you think of me as your daughter, but I'm never really going to be your kid. Not legally, anyway."

"What makes you think that, Callie?"

She shrugs. "Nothing ever seems to happen the way it should with me. I know that everyone has bad luck, that everyone experiences bad things...but I just seem to get it all. Everyone in there, they're all a family...you all fit so well together and it's just...I get frustrated because I don't really feel it, too."

Lena worries for a moment that maybe Callie, at some point, has felt pressured to become part of the family. But she wipes the idea away, she knows why the doubts exist, but she certainly doesn't believe them.

"You know, Callie. My biggest wish for this christmas was to have you and Jude formally adopted in time for the holidays. I had this big plan, everything was going to be perfect. But, honestly? It wouldn't have made a difference. Whether both of you were adopted or not, you're still my children. You're my daughter and I am just so grateful to be spending this christmas with you, all of you. To me, this is your first christmas as part of our family, first of many. It doesn't make a difference, bug, it'll never make a difference."

Callie smiles sadly. "I just don't know how to feel. Christmas always makes me feel this way and this year it just seems to be a little worse."

"Honey," Lena pulls Callie in so that she is leaning against her shoulder. "you're under no obligation to feel great just because it's christmas. But you shouldn't have come out here alone. The thing that makes this christmas different isn't that you're not adopted, the thing that makes this christmas different is that there are five people inside of that house and one out here that would do anything to make you feel better."

"I know that."

"And I just want this christmas to be a wonderful one, Callie. For you, for Jude. I know that maybe you feel like you're alone...it's always been you and Jude. I get that it must be a strange thing to experience christmas this way, to have to share him and watch him blend in with other people. But if you just take a moment, you'll notice that you're doing the same thing. That you're blending in, too. That, piece of paper or not, you don't have to be lonely this christmas. You have a family. You have us."

Callie smiles and wipes away a few tears from her cheek, nodding. "Okay."

Lena pulls her in closer and kisses her forehead. "Okay," She smiles. "Lets go inside. It's nearly time to sing cheesy christmas songs."

She follows her inside

It's not the best christmas in her life, but it's a new christmas. A fresh christmas. A happy christmas.

It's enough.


End file.
